The Naked Truth

This post is about an honest reflection about myself. As the year is coming to an end, I guess it's a suitable time after 21 years to get an honest reflection about what i really am as a person. I got alot of things on my mind which i want to express but i don't know where to start, so i shall just blurt what comes to mind

I am a very frugal man. In my heart, there is always an invisible calculator. whenever i purchase items or good or services, the reward in return should be more or less equals to what i pay. if not, i will be very uneasy inside, a lot of cognitive dissonance probably. and it takes some time to reduce the dissonance. As an example, let's say i go MidValley. The cheapest food i can get there is from the food court, which would cost about RM 7 to RM 8. but with RM 7 or RM 8 for a bowl of soup noodles is inequity to me. i would add a little more to the money, to eat something better, with 'brand'. with that, it is more equitable. But i dislike spending that much money, and therefore, i would rather opt to go out of MidValley and go eat RM 4 or RM 5 noodles at other places. I AM THAT FRUGAL!!!

Since young I have been this way i guess. maybe it's the upbringing from my dad, who is always calculative about items purchased. i think i really am like him, or probably worse. XD that's y i like to go to cut my hair at the same place. RM 5 for haircut, eventhough i will have to sit there fore 2 hours, trimmed by a student hairstylist. I also get cognitive dissonance if people spend me, but i guess it's less dissonance as compared to me spending on other people. XD

My aunt say i so leng zhai, how come no girlfriend. Maybe it's because i am frugal ba.. but i think it's more than that and sometimes i indeed do wonder why. I go night market and supermarket and gai gai and i see young couples together. Look at the girl, not bad, look at the guy.. swt.. i think i could be a better candidate. but then why don't i have 1?

i went for counselling this sem for bonus marks and i talked about relationships and how hard it is to maintain a good relationship. i presented my problems telling the counselor that i am afraid of not becoming a good boyfriend. because i do not have a car, which means transport will be a problem. i might not have that much of time, because i am mostly at home doing assignments, and also i play volleyball for college. this translate to me probably not spending enough time with her. thirdly, as i have said, i am a very frugal dude. i always am calculative. i think girls don't like it :S but at the end of the counselling sessions, i guess these things are just things i use as defence to not go into a relationship. maybe i am afraid that i will hurt her, maybe i am afraid that it won't end up well. or maybe i am just afraid that i will get hurt in the process

would you prefer to go into a relationship and risk getting hurt over and over again? or to play safe and only go into a relationship when u really really really are certain? I am the latter currently. previously, when i was younger, i probably am the earlier.

censor.. when say things, i am scared that i will hurt others and therefore there is a lot of censoring in my mind before saying or doing things. i am scared of hurting others but if the person is genuine, the person should say the truth although the truth hurts. but i guess life is not just about myself. I can't be too selfish and just say things which i think is right. i need to think from their perspective as well, and their feelings. to say or not to say? :S

my friends say that i am a peadophile cause i always say things such as 'she's so cute' and 'oh he so cute' whenever we are out. then they will turn to me and say me peadophile. i really don't know what my feelings are towards some girls. it seems that i want to protect them from harm and it hurts when i see them sad, stress, frustrated and all the negative emotions. i sometimes want me to be the one suffering instead of them. wanting to alleviate their burden but don't know how. When they are experiencing joyful emotions, i feel happy for them as well. is this love? paternal protection? sternberg said that there are 3 components to love: commitment, passion and intimacy. which component would the above case fall into? :S probably the topology of love can explain it better where i am experiencing agape love?

sometimes i feel so sad and upset about how people whom i care about do not seem to invest emotionally as much as i do. it's draining really. i sms, no reply. i call, don't pick up, mail no response. what does that mean? don't 1 to talk to me? don't 1 to care? busy? not important? other times, i find it hard when i do so much, but get so little in return. inequilibrium, leading to cognitive dissonance, leading to dissonance reducing, which needs lots of brain work.

this year, my peers who are mostly 1988 are 21 years old. everytime go in FB, i will see wishes such as "today's your 21st, have a blast". i also see many events being posted up about their birthdays, and i envy them. recently i saw Micky's birthday party together with her twin sister. Oh i miss her.. that day saw her, only spoke to her for less than a minute.. roar~ she's in butterworth now if i am not mistaken.. anyway, back to 21st. how did my 21st went? err? nothing out of the ordinary i guess.. the out of the ordinary thing is that teresa gave me a doughnut as a present. my only present XD THANKS TERESA!!~~ my sis also brought me makan a day before as celebration. Not bad not bad. :)

1 thing which i am always battling on is about lust. i don't know how to express, but there's a constant ongoing battle within myself between doing what constitutes as normal, and what constitutes as holy. the other day, i went sunway lagoon and many ladies wore skimpy cloths. ok.. even without them wearing skimpy, i still do look at cha bos and scrutinize them. considered as lusty? where is the line between what is considered as lusty or not? is having fantasies lusty? watching porn? talking dirty?

the other day, we went to a christmas party in my err... godbrother's house. there, a topic came up which is pretty interesting. they talked about money and health, and one man said that the end for people who don't have money is to wait for death. another man said no no, man should strive to live, because if people with no money were to just wait for death, then all the beggars will already commit suicide, and i took interest in this point of view.

indeed, everyone is waiting to die literally. rich, poor, very poor or filthy rich. no one can live forever, or at least for now. they say that it is possible to live forever in the future, but we shall leave that for the future. and so therefore, the question is this, if everyone will die, and money plays no role in death, then y earn money? this question, or similar question was posted by one of my friend in FB, and the reply she got was that it depends what kind of lifestyle she wants to live in. the difference is in the level of comfort, where obviously people with money will have a more comfortable lifestyle. but then it depends on how one defines 'comfortable lifestyle'. if to me comfortable is living in a hut in a peaceful jungle, then i need no money (i think Meng would agree with this). but if comfortable is always wanting to buy new things, then money will always not be enough (proponents for this idea will be Hui Keng, Evie and Shyuan XD). what we have absorbed so long in life is the society's standard of 'comfortable life'. it should be remembered that comfort does not equate happiness. I guess to make life meaningful, we should find what we really want to do in life. death matters no more then, i suppose

i love volleyball. it's really an AWESOME game and i guess if there's one thing i am addicted to, it would be volleyball. XD from serving, to first ball, to setting, to spiking, to blocking to covering, it's an awesome game which needs both strong team work and strong individuals. dang syok la. :D

i don't like people who only knows how to complain this and that, as if the world is going to turn the other way round when they complain. knowing that the world won't be a better place even with their complains, they still will keep on complaining. WHY? people who complain just for the sake of complaining only make people around them feel worse. i get it when you want to express discomfort, and i am fine with it, but need not harp on the issue over and over again right?

i don't like people who likes to force other people to accept their viewpoint. you can have your viewpoint, and i can have mine. No problem with different viewpoints is there? we can still respect each other for our point of view. But it's a different matter if you want to persuade me to take on your point of view. If i see sense in it, i will, but if i don't, y force?

i don't like people to argue with seemingly impossible outcomes. these people will present viewpoints which have so slim a possibility. the problem is that they seem so scared with everythings and it makes the argument go on and on. when people say them back, they just shrugged it off as if it's nothing. apa maksud?

i don't like people who exaggerate things.

i like things and ideas which transcend normal imagination. that's y i like movies like Avatar, and manga like One Piece. I like films with martial arts in it. Wushu and wuxia flick is awesome. i like movies with provoking thoughts like The Pursue of Happiness. All these gets my mind working. i like movies which makes the heart warm and make people think twice about what are the most precious things in life.

i like mythology, and therefore if movies or comics have some myths as it's support, i like it. That's y i like the original Yu-Gi-Oh, where ancient Egypt relics are one of the important characteristics. That's y i like Bleach, where they talk about Shinigami. That's y i like The Legend, which ties to ancient China.

i think i am very prejudiced towards certain people of a certain races. but more important than race, i think i am prejudiced towards people whom in my eyes don't look like good people, regardless of race. I don't know how to define, but if they fall below my standard, i really don't like them. maybe it's their hair, maybe it's their dressing, maybe it's the way they carry themselves. i also dislike 'lala' people. XD

i sometimes envy people who always seems to be in attention. eventhough they do nothing, they are always in the limelight. why? i LOA. but i also enjoy my solidarity sometimes. :D

the hardest thing in the whole wide world is not to solve the hardest maths question, or inventing something evolutionary. the hardest thing to do in this whole wide world is to be a good person. people will and can survive without the invention of telephone, internet, tv and so forth, but people will not survive without acceptance, family, love, forgiveness, and these are the things that is hard to do.

I have taken an honest look into myself. Can you?

Happy 2010.

God Bless~